Each season, we at Classy seek to bring you the best analysis of the classiest anime. This season, we have decided that there is no better way to do this than through an accompanying fictional story, otherwise known as “fan fiction”. This week, draggle, Emperor J, Foshizzel, and Reiseng bring you the final installment in a story inspired by Ore no Imouto ga Konnani Kawaii Wake ga Nai. click here to read part one, part two, and part three.
When we last left our heroes they were in Japan and had just encountered Godzilla. They sent the beast shrinking away in the direction of Korea and found a letter inviting him to Pyongyang. Now they’re chasing him again.
The gang arrived at the base of the Ryugyong Hotel in a van they had stolen from a perverted old man. “Did anyone check the back to see if there’s anything we can use?” Touma asked. When everyone else just shrugged, he went to the back on his own.
What was there astonished him. It was a refrigerated compartment where he could see a cache of glowing swords, alligator clips, cosplay outfits from Meruru and Maschera which seemed infused with magic, a young boy in the corner who was tied up and a crate of ice cream. He went over to the boy in the corner (whom he found oddly attractive) and took off the ball gag in his mouth.
“Thank you for helping me. My name is Pico,” the boy declared. Touma reached for the ice cream as though to take some for himself thinking that TimBits might be mixed in. “You probably shouldn’t eat that. It’s not ice cream.”
Ayase, Kirino and Kyousuke soon joined them in the back. Kyousuke immediately went for the ice cream container and started gorging himself. “This doesn’t taste like vanilla and these TimBit pieces don’t taste like chocolate,” Kyousuke commented. Meanwhile, Touma was in the opposite corner of the compartment vomiting like mad.
Soon they were putting on the cosplay outfits and equipping themselves with the swords they found. “Those outfits and swords are infused with magic that allow one to one-shot anyone who is green or wearing a green outfit” Pico explained to Ayase and Kirino.
Kyousuke was struggling to get one of the two male cosplay outfits. Touma’s outfit instantly disintegrated as did his sword. “Such misfortune,” he stated again. “I guess I will just punch things.”
“Why didn’t you do that back when we were fighting Godzilla?” everyone else angrily asked.
They entered the hotel and were quickly surrounded by men in green jump suits. Ayase and Kirino swung their swords in tandem defeating each man with a single blow. Pico and Kyousuke were much the same. Touma, meanwhile, sat in the corner as there was no need to punch anyone.
With the room soon clear, the five of them headed to the elevator. Touma punched the button that would take them to the top floor.
“Surely no one would be dumb enough to fight up all these floors,” Kirino laughed.
The doors would soon open and they saw a horrible sight. Godzilla was finishing off a tasty meal of rare Kirito steak while Kuroneko laughed hysterically.
How would our brave heroes react to the death of their former comrade?
Touma stood there staring at the human-sized Godzilla as he finished off another steak. He pointed towards Godzilla and shouted, “God damn! You bastard how could you eat Kirito-kun like that!? He was my best friend!”
Everyone stared at Touma before facepalming because they knew he just met Kirito a few days ago. But now was not the time to worry about such matters as the team rushed towards Godzilla, ready to kick his ass.
Kirino was the first one to reach Godzilla, who was currently sitting at a fancy dinner table ignoring the team of wannabe fighters. She tried to swing her sword and aim for his head, but was quickly knocked through a wall by Godzilla’s powerful tail. Ayase rushed off to check on her friend as Touma, Kyousuke and Pico were left to fight.
Touma was the next person to challenge Godzilla. He dodged the tail that flew at his face, but before he could throw a punch the room was suddenly filled with a blinding light coming from Godzilla’s mouth. It was Godzilla’s signature Atomic Breath attack, fired at point blank range. But Touma quickly raised his right hand to block the attack
“Oh my god! After eating Kirito, Godzilla must have absorbed his awesome power!”
Kyousuke and Pico, in the meantime, stood near Touma and chatted about making their own homemade ice cream. This triggered a horrible memory from Touma’s past, from when Index bit the hell out of his arm one hot summer day when he refused to buy her some ice cream.
Touma lost focus thanks to this painful memory as Godzilla’s Atomic Breath managed to blow a giant hole through his chest. Before he died he managed to say one last thing to the team to motivate them to fight. “Damn this misfortune and screw you guys.”
Kyousuke, Pico, Kirino and Ayase turned to look at the hole in Touma’s chest. Kuroneko began laughing even harder. While everyone was distracted, Ayase pushed Kyosuke off the edge of the roof. No one noticed.
Godzilla prepared to use his atomic breath again to finish off the rest of the party. However, it had a five minute cooldown. He was left twiddling his thumbs as he waited. The party continued to stare at Touma’s corpse in shock and hidden delight. The only one who retained their slight toehold on sanity was Kuroneko who realized the absurdity of their situation which is a metaphor for the comedy called life.
“Young lady, would you like some tea?” motherfucking Godzilla asked Kuroneko.
“Why, I don’t mind if I do. Thank you, my old friend.” said Kuroneko, politely taking a cup and saucer from motherfucking Godzilla’s outstretched paw.
“So, how dost thou fare as the queen of the night? It hath been some time since we hunted together last.”
“Same old, same old. These humans don’t respect anything these days. At least you they just glance at and know you can step on them. But for some reason I just look like a normal human to them. They can’t sense my demonic powers, I guess.”
“Kuroneko… doth thou know why I fled to Korea?”
“Wasn’t it because beastiality is popular over there?”
“No, although thou are, of course, correct… the truth is… I could no longer hide mine affection for thee. Yet I knew that thou could not return my purest of affections. For I am the king of the monsters, and thou, the queen of the night. We liveth in worlds countless leagues parted, thou and I. Yet I couldst not bridle mine unquenchable passions, though I knew I must. Hence, I fled far across the wide sea to this desolate wasteland of Korea. Desolate it truly is, for it is not marred by thy beauty, which I dared to hope I might forget. Yet alas, I have found only that distance maketh the heart grow fonder.”
“Godzilla… I… had no idea you felt this way about me…” Kuroneko said as she pondered her dilemma.
Godzilla was a great guy. He was one of the most pleasant people she had met and a large improvement over her previous crush, Kyousuke. When the going had gotten rough, Kyousuke had abandoned Kuroneko and left her to die.
Of course Kyousuke had no idea that she was actually the Queen of the Night and that Godzilla was an old friend.
His cowardice and selfishness had stung and stuck with Kuroneko to this day.
“Ah, whoops”, Kuroneko thought when she realized that she had started thinking about her idiot ex and not her current suitor. “This won’t do,” she thought.
“Hey, Godzilla, please give me a few minutes to think about this. There are still three humans alive in front of us, so why don’t you go and kill them while I think?”
“Ah, tis a good suggestion, my lady” Godzilla chirped happily.
“Now then”, Kuroneko mused to herself. “I need to go pay my respects.”
At the bottom of the tower, Kyousuke came to consciousness.
The large amount of fat he had gained from timbits had prevented instantaneous death, but the damage was too great.
His timbit munching days were over.
He sighed a little at his fate and turned his eyes to meet Kuroneko’s.
“Hello Kuroneko, I am glad to see you are still okay.”
“What’s this? You are actually acting humble for once.”
“Well, my life is over and like this night sky above, my head is clear. I am sorry Kuroneko. I have been selfish and arrogant. You do not have to forgive me, but please, kill me before the timbit cravings come back.”
Kuroneko looked at Kyousuke. “Very well then.”
One of Kirito’s swords materialized in her hand. She walked over to Kyousuke and stood above him, ready to thrust and finish him.
“Standing above me like that, you really do look like a Queen of the Night”
“Thank you”, she said as she thrust the sword down and ended his life.
“Thank you, Kyousuke. I now know what I must do.” she told his corpse before vanishing into thin air.
Meanwhile, Godzilla’s cooldown timer was up and the humans were in trouble. He blew forth his great gust of atomic breath, but much to his dismay, Ayase blocked it with a giant clip.
Furious now, Godzilla charged ahead at the two girls and Pico. Kirino and Ayase charged too.
Kirino grabbed Ayase and tossed her at Godzilla as both a projectile and a distraction. Her plan was to then jump from behind Ayase and attack Godzilla with her green sword.
Godzilla was smart enough to see through this. He caught the flying Ayase with the sharp end of his nails and he whacked the jumping Kirino with his tail.
Kirino was smashed into the ground and instantly killed.
Bleeding to death from a large cavity in her torso, Ayase gathered the last of her strength and flicked her clip at Godzilla. It caught the edge of an ear and clipped. Godzilla screamed out in agony.
Grinning, and happy that her part in this ordeal was over, Ayase closed her eyes and passed away.
There was no going back for Godzilla. This was a special clip from the collection designed to be super effective against people in green clothes. Godzilla’s skin was not quite the same as cloth, but its color was close enough to green for this clip to still me more devastating than the clips he had on his nipples before.
The clip fell off and Godzilla stumbled face up to the ground. He looked up to see the fuzzy shape of his Queen appear.
“Forgive me Godzilla. Even if you were to live, I could not go out with you for I realized that as the Queen of the Night, I must always be alone. But thank you for everything you have done for me, old friend.”
“That is good to hear, my lady. I am glad I could be of service to y…”
Godzilla closed his eyes and Kuroneko turned her attention to Pico.
“You, cute shota. You shall leave this place and tell this tale to your people. The Queen of the Night is not a being you mortals you should trifle with.”
“Yes, ma’am”, Pico stuttered as he turned around and ran.
Kuroneko sighed, turned around and sat down.
“What a mess.” she thought as she surveyed the room and sipped her tea.
And therein ends the records we have of Godzilla, the brave humans who rose to fight him and the Queen of the Night. It is said that if you go to the top floor of the Ryugyong Hotel, you will find an empty box of timbits that stays as pristine today as it was the day it was emptied by its owner.