Each season, we at Classy seek to bring you the best analysis of the classiest anime. This season, we have decided that there is no better way to do this than through an accompanying fictional story, otherwise known as “fan fiction”. This week, draggle, Emperor J, Foshizzel, redball, Reiseng, and SnippetTee bring you the third installment in a story inspired by Ore no Imouto ga Konnani Kawaii Wake ga Nai. click here to read part one and here to read part two.
When we last left our heroes, they had arrived in Japan and were closing in on their fateful battle with Motherfucking Godzilla. Along the way, they had lost Kirito in Pyongyang…
“I wonder what happened to that lame fool Kirito?,” Kirino wondered aloud. “But I shouldn’t be bothered by him for now since we are in the middle of our fight with Godzil-” Her stomach growled audibly. “Jeez, I remember I’m so hungry…”
As she tried to ignore her stomach, Kirino saw some traces of TimBits on Kyousuke’s mouth. Then she started licking her upper lip back and forth like a maniac and impulsively shouted, “We’re going to send Godzilla out from Tokyo!”
“Ehhh! But how?!!” cried Kyousuke.
“Godzilla would have liked some TimBits, right?” Kirino menacingly answered back to her brother, “But since you ATE all of them, we’re going to use your TimBit scent to lure that monster.”
“Stupid, you can’t do tha-” began Kyousuke. “Yes we will,” Touma callously interjected as he slowly walked closer to Kyousuke. “I’m so starving right now… but you finished all the TimBits, you glutton!”
Kyousuke was so scared to see the looks from his sister and Touma. Startled to realize how hunger could make people act like freaks, he turned around looking for Ayase to ask for help but all he got was a cold response. “You’re going to pay for devouring all those TimBits.” She quickly jumped, forcefully ripped off Kyousuke’s shirt, and mercilessly clamped her alligator clips onto his nipples.
“Eeehhhh!!!!!!” screamed Kyousuke as he agonized with sweet pain.
Then Touma came rushing to flick Kyousuke’s nipples a few times, “Now you have sour cream glazed timbit-looking nipples!”
Kirino cried to her brother, “Go! Lure and send that stupid monster away from Tokyo… And show that stupid Kirito that we don’t need him!”
“Ahhh!” Kyousuke moaned as Touma’s continued flicks made contact with his nipples. A shove from Kirino and a sudden draft was all that was required for Kyousuke’s sugary scent to disperse in the air.
They heard a large roar from a good distance away and a shape that had initially appeared to be nothing more than a faraway mountain began to steadily increase in size. “Be sure to do a good job of distracting him!” said Ayase as she, Touma and Kirino went off to prepare their ambush.
“Wait… GUYS!” Kyousuke cried. He himself could no longer tell if his sobbing was because of the alligator clamps on his nipples or the rapidly approaching motherfucking Godzilla. Kyousuke’s cries reduced to a whimper as the immense figure neared, blocking the sun.
Godzilla was here and he was hungry.
Never in his existence had Godzilla smelled something so delicious. As a general rule of thumb, Godzilla had avoided eating humans – their meat was too rubbery and it lacked his ideal texture – but this human was an exception. The beast bent forward and began to unhinge his massive jaw.
Ayase took this chance to ambush the unaware Godzilla. She jumped from a seventh story apartment and caught hold of one of the oversized lizard’s nipples. Then she pulled out a massive alligator clip she’d procured from the engine compartment of the tour boat and clamped it on his nipple. She proceeded to twirl, jump and repeat the clamping on his other nipple.
By the time Godzilla realized what had happened, Ayase had already landed on a nearby rooftop, safe from his reach. He screamed in agony as Ayase’s clamps began to do their work. He began to shrink. By the time he had pried the clamps off, he had already shrunk to the size of an average human.
“He’s weak now. Quick Touma, punch him!” yelled Kirino. “…Touma?” Kirino turned her head and scanned for Touma. She found him lecturing Ayase on how jumping on top of Godzilla in a skirt was a very un-ladylike thing to do.
“Touma you idiot-” she yelled only to be interrupted by a surprisingly thunderous roar from the shrunken monster. Godzilla roared once more and made a massive leap clearing several buildings at once. A few seconds later, the group had lost sight of the now human-sized Godzilla.
Kirino, Ayase and Touma met on the street where Kirino proceeded to smack Touma.
“Look what you did. He got away! A punch! A PUNCH was all I required of you. I thought you liked punching!” She continued, but Touma just picked at his ear and ate some of the ear wax.
Ayase suddenly stopped her tirade against Touma and turned to Kyousuke. “What are you doing?” The others stopped their conversation and stared at Kyousuke. He was off in a corner, nipples no longer clamped, chewing what appeared to be an envelope.
“Where did you get that?” demanded Ayase.
“The Motherfucking Godzilla dropped it,” said Kyousuke.
“Why is it in your mouth?” Kirino asked. Somehow this behavior was still strange.
“Because it smells and tastes like TimBits…” Kyousuke mumbled quietly.
Ayase walked over and snatched the envelope from his lips. She braved the soggy condition of the envelope and opened it to find a letter addressed to Godzilla. She read it aloud:
Dear Friend of the People Godzilla,
I have followed your actions with the utmost interest. You are a hero and an inspiration to all people of the world. It would be an honor to meet you and thank you for your service in person, please come meet me at the top floor of the Ryugyong Hotel.
“You think that’s where Godzilla went?,” asked Touma.
“He was headed in that direction,” responded Kirino, “Let’s go”.
Kirino and Touma began to drag a sobbing Kyousuke (who was whining about being hungry) back to the car. They stopped when they noticed Ayase wasn’t following them. “What’s wrong?,” inquired Touma.
“Ah, no it’s nothing. I was just wondering how Godzilla got this letter, and why it smells like TimBits…” Ayase paused, deep in thought. “…Anyway, let’s get started. The trip back to North Korea won’t be short.”
Meanwhile in the Ryugyong Hotel
Kirito leaned against the wall and tried to catch his breath. His trip to the top of the tower had been relatively easy, but once he was there the enemies just kept coming.
He had soloed the frontlines many, many times but this place was incredibly tough. The monsters were quite humanesque, with green uniforms on. They were much stronger than he had anticipated and as such his dual swords could not properly penetrate their skin.
“Why are they so much stronger than I expected them to be? Something or someone must be powering them up somehow,” he thought. But exactly who or what was responsible for the monsters’ strength remained a mystery to young Kirito. All he knew was that he needed reinforcements and he needed them fast.