Each season, we at Classy seek to bring you the best analysis of the classiest anime. This season, we have decided that there is no better way to do this than through an accompanying fictional story, otherwise known as “fan fiction”. This week, draggle, Emperor J, Foshizzel, redball, Reiseng, and SnippetTee bring you the second installment in a story inspired by Ore no Imouto ga Konnani Kawaii Wake ga Nai. click here to read the first part of this series.
When we last left our heroes, they were in the midst of pre-battle preparations at a Tim Hortons restaurant in downtown Vancouver…
As Ayase and Kirino stood up from the floor, an arc of raw power flowed between them. The entire Tim Hortons was washed out in a bright light. Kirito had never seen such power and became confused and scared. Unsure of what to do next, he followed his instincts and drove his sword into the middle of the undulating arc. There was a loud pop, and a faint whimper from one of the girls. Everything went dark for an instant. Kirito picked up his now flaccid blade. He wiped what he hoped was frosting off of the tip of it and prepared to get to work saving the world.
In the confusion caused by Godzilla attacking Japan, all flights to the region had been stopped. All except for one flight which – for the convenience of this story – was bound for North Korea, but first they would have to get into shape to fight the monster. “But training montages don’t happen in real life,” Kyousuke said as he stuffed more TimBits into his mouth. “It would require some sort of magic to get into that kind of shape.”
“No it doesn’t Kyousuke, you just have to believe in yourself…” Touma began.
Touma’s lecture lasted for 90 days of relentless talking about morality, all the while fighting with Kirino and Ayase. Kirito had gone back to conquering the world of Eve Online using his blades, his dual blades. Touma lost all his excess weight along with his will to live as Touma kept talking and punching. “…and that is how to solve global inequality!” Touma yelled as he landed a final blow to Ayase’s shield.
Kirito walked in and saw Touma collapse from exhaustion, Kyousuke in his baggy clothes rejoicing and Kirino and Ayase looking like characters from Fist of the North Star. That sight caused his blade to grow 3 sizes; finally some results from those pills he bought at GNC.
“We’re going to Pyongyang,” Kirino proclaimed as she walked toward the airport. Ayase picked up the others and found another pair of alligator clips for the journey.
Several hours later our team of unique heros arrived at Pyongyang, all of them posed together outside the airport, looking like characters from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, while waiting for their taxi to take them around town. In the meantime, Kirino kept rambling on incessantly about her favorite eroge series before she finally stopped to ask Kirito a question. “Soooo Kirito-kun what happened to you and Asuna?” She grinned as Kirito ignored her question completely. His reaction, or lack thereof, pissed her off. “Hey I asked you a damn question!,” she yelled as he continued to ignore her.
Ayase spoke up, “I heard she broke up with him and started going out with some short fat guy named… Haruyuki Arita? Apparently he is the best video game player in the universe, but who cares about that nerdy stuff anyway, right?” Her face turned dark as she clinged to Kirino’s arm, ”Don’t leave me ever again… don’t ever leave me again….”
Touma checked his back pocket and found his wallet was missing along with his cellphone and passport as he fell to his knees, “Damn this luck of mi-” before he could finish his sentence Kirito screamed suddenly as he pointed towards the Ryugyong Hotel, ”By the gods! What is that large tower over there!? I must explore that dungeon and kill the end boss and get the epic loot!” Kirito ran towards the large triangular tower, followed by everyone else shouting at him to stop.
Kyousuke followed Kirito and turned to his sister. “Why is Kirito screaming and running like this!?” Kirino asked as she ran ahead with the others, Ayase still clinging to her arm.
“Because he thinks screaming makes him run faster. I think?”
Touma sighed as he chased after their crazy friend. “When we catch him, remind me to punch him in the face after I give him a stern talking to!” Everyone stared at Touma with a blank expression.
“Wait,” interrupted Kyousuke. “Why are we chasing Kirito anyway? We came all the way here to defeat motherfucking Godzilla. I don’t have time to babysit. I need to get back to a civilized country before I run out of TimBits. Those cheapskates at the airport would only let me take two suitcases worth, so we’d better hurry.”
“For once, my stupid brother has a point,” said Kirino. “Kirito’s swords aren’t as great as he thinks they are anyway. We’re probably better off without him.”
“Wait,” said Ayase. “Why did we come to Pyongyang, anyway? I thought motherfucking Godzilla was in Japan.”
“Kirito said he’d stop here for certain,” answered Kirino. “Something about Godzilla liking tall towers and waiting for him at the top of the Ryugyong Hotel to—”
“Crap,” said Kyousuke. “That’s just that moron Kirito. He’s still pissed he didn’t beat that game. He probably drug us all the way to Korea just so he could climb that bloody tower.”
“Yeah,” confirmed Kirino, “he likes climbing tall towers to compensate for what he’s lacking. Anyway, what are we going to do about motherfucking Godzilla now? You guys, like, totally don’t want to be with my brother when he finishes all the TimBits.”
With all planes grounded the group set off for the river. Pyongyang has its flare, but without a Tim Hortons the team was running low on time. They would need a boat. They found a state sponsored tour boat and immediately jumped aboard. The guide, unsure of their nationalities, began speaking to them in Korean. No one understood Korean so Touma punched him in the face and pushed him off the boat. They set sail, and the expositional monologue began.
They knew motherfucking Godzilla had destroyed much of the urban population centers of Japan. The Japanese military was powerless against the beast. The Americans had sent some unmanned drones, but they were afraid to commit to anything more. Unfortunately the drone bombings had sparked a debate about whether Godzilla could be considered an enemy combatant. This group, with their special powers, were humanity’s last hope.
Nearly two days later the group arrived in Hirado. Motherfucking Godzilla was currently nesting in Tokyo, so their journey had not ended, but no one knew a damn thing about navigation and the tour boat wasn’t cut out for this. They stole a black Toyota Rumion and set off to the north on the deserted roads.
Meanwhile, back in Pyongyang: Kirito had successfully fought his way to the top of the Ryugyong Hotel. In the process he had slain several locals, security guards, and one maintenance man. Unfortunately, he found no special prize at the top but the fight had reinvigorated him. This was good because he would need to fight the Korean People’s Army if he wished to escape.