Each season, we at Classy seek to bring you the best analysis of the classiest anime. This season, we have decided that there is no better way to do this than through an accompanying fictional story, otherwise known as “fan fiction”. This week, draggle, Emperor J, Foshizzel, redball, Reiseng, and SnippetTee bring you the first installment in a story originally inspired by the first five episodes of Ore no Imouto ga Konnani Kawaii Wake ga Nai..
It was a rainy night in Vancouver. Kirito stood across from Kirino holding his blades, his dual blades.
“Why did we flee when motherfucking Godzilla invaded Japan?” Kirino asked.
“I just needed an IMOUTO to use my blades on,” Kirito replied.
The two then set off on foot to find the nearest Tim Horton’s, where they were going to meet up with Kyousuke. After throwing Kuroneko into Godzilla’s path, he had retreated into a life of eating TimBits and now weighed over 300 pounds, as he ate those delicious baked goods for comfort. It had not prevented him from stealing Misaka from under Touma’s nose in an NTR incident that will not be mentioned again.
Eventually they arrived at the Tim Horton’s on Robson Street, guided by the lights from BC Place. How would the three of them come up with a plan to defeat mother fucking Godzilla?
As Kirito and Kirino walked into the strange restaurant they saw Kyousuke stuffing his face with TimBits and sitting across from him was a guy with black spiked hair named Touma who was shouting, “Such misfortune!,” at the top of his lungs because he just spilled his fresh cup of coffee all over the battle plan to take down the motherfucking Godzilla.
Kirino approached her brother as she started to laugh at him. “What the hell happened to you? Damn you are such an idiot!” Kyousuke sighed at Kirino as he shoved another TimBit into his mouth, ignoring her laughter.
Kirito, on the other hand, sat down, glancing at the now soaked battle plan in front of Touma, and said, “Hmmm. I guess we will use coffee on Godzilla, huh?” Touma looked to the strange kid who was carrying two large swords as he blinked. “I wasn’t aware we were cosplaying as lame video game characters.”
Kirito glared and pointed one of the swords at him, but Touma reached up, touching the weapon with his right arm. This triggered his Imagine Breaker, and shattered the sword into pieces as he laughed. “Whoops! My bad, bro!”
Kirito fell to his knees, crying loudly, “I can’t continue this mission without my swords! Please go on without me.”
Kirino jumped up and proceeded to scream and shout at Touma for breaking her friend’s prized weapon, but Touma was getting annoyed by her high-pitched voice. He stood up slowly as he cleared his throat to speak. “Will you shut up?! Who cares about his fake-ass weapons! Clearly they were made of plastic anyway…”
However, Kirino didn’t hear a single word Touma said as he continued his dramatic speech that included some talk of friendships, hopes, and dreams. Instead she continued to scream at him about Kirito’s broken sword which angered Touma who balled up his fist as he sent a punch to Kirino’s face sending her flying across the room. “Take that, ya jerk!”
Kyousuke saw his sister fly across the room. He shrugged and ate more TimBits.
Kirito rushed over to Kirino’s side. “Kirino, are you alright?” She didn’t respond. Touma’s punch was so powerful that it could knock out any girl. It was so strong and manly that they would instantly stop their evil ways and fall in love with him as well. Kirito couldn’t allow this to happen. He was supposed to be the main character.
So Kirito drew his remaining, unbroken sword and thrust the core of his manhood into Kirino. The magical healing pixie juice embedded into his sword was the only thing that could overcome Touma’s punch.
Kyousuke continued snacking on TimBits as Kirito’s blade pierced his sister’s pale, luscious flesh. “Onii-chan!,” Kirino cried out, still unconscious. “It’s… smaller… than last time…” She went limp in Kirito’s arms.
At that moment, Ayase entered Tim Horton’s.
Ayase entered quietly but her presence was felt like a roll of thunder. Everyone stopped, quietly acknowledging her. She spent a moment surveying the room with her eyes. The tension in the room ran into her neck, as she took in the scene. Suddenly her neck twitched as she drew her chin toward her left shoulder, her eyes closed, and a tiny sound escaped her mouth. It was a sound of disapproval.
This is when Ayase lost it. She directed her first wave of anger at Kirino and Kirito, who were in a sweaty, huddled mess on the floor. “What the fuck do you think this is, play time? Do the words ‘motherfucking Godzilla’ mean anything to you?” She was flush, be it with anger or embarrassment.
Her eyes focused on Kyousuke. She was disgusted at his sorry state. A moment before he had lazily watched as Kirino’s dramatic rescue took place. He had not lifted a finger to help, and though he regretted this at the time, his regret was tenfold now. A bead of sweat began to form on his forehead and as it rolled down to his brow Ayase attacked. “And you!,” she began as she stepped forward.
In an instant Ayase was upon Kyousuke, deftly taking hold of his ear with two fingers and a thumb. She twisted cruelly and Kyousuke lunged out of his seat as though compelled by a much greater force. Ayase pivoted and used her free hand to push on his back sending him stumbling across the room, face first into his sister’s lap. “Why don’t you take a closer look?!!,” she screamed.
Kirito was knocked out of the way, losing his grip on his remaining sword. He landed against the wall, stunned. Touma couldn’t stifle a laugh, and Ayase shot him a cold look. She couldn’t believe the fate of the city rested in the hands of this group.
Stunned by what was going on, Ayase desperately tried to clear her mind. She glanced to her left and to her right, then hastily raised her head as if a bulb had just lit up on top of her. “Aha! There are some huge alligator clips in the cupboard,” Ayase exclaimed and ran out of sight.
Meanwhile, Kirito regained consciousness and was once again quietly showing his blade to Kirino. Since the poor sword had gotten small, Kirito decided to meditate in order to regenerate his manly sword.
Feeling pity for her friend, Kirino decided to expose everything she had. She lifted her skirt and screamed, “ah… ah… aaahhh~~” as she pulled out an oval-shaped object tied to her left thigh.
Kirito dropped his jaw and his eyes opened wide as soon as he noticed what his friend was doing. “It’s okay, touch it,” cried the sweaty Kirino as she tried to catch her breath. “Let your sword thrust in, for that’s what this perpetual shield is for. Let me help you… Let me restore your sword!”
But before Kirito could touch Kirino’s shield, Ayase came dashing up with her alligator clips and yelled, “No! Kirino’s mellifluous shield belongs only to me.” Apparently Ayase also owns a shield but not as glossy as Kirino’s. She clipped one end of the alligator clip onto Kirino’s shield and the other end onto hers; then the two girls locked eyes with each other. As they continued their stare down, a current began to flow through the alligator clip wire from Ayase to Kirino.
On the other side, near the Iced Capp machine, Kyousuke was dumbfounded and confused with all the chaos that he was in; little did he know that Touma never took his eyes away from him. Touma watched Kyousuke for a bit longer before turning to look at Ayase and Kirino. He whistled as the current between the two ramped up before finally turning back to Kyousuke. “Hey, shouldn’t we stop them and then defeat motherfucking Godzilla or something?”
Kyousuke, still somewhat melancholy from memories of throwing Kuroneko into Godzilla’s path, ignored Touma and continued to dine on his TimBits.
“You know, I hear Godzilla ate a special, one of a kind box of TimBits in Japan. I bet if we beat him, you could probably still salvage that box and eat a super rare TimBit or two,” proffered Touma.
“A TimBit made outside of Canada is no TimBit,” replied Kyousuke lazily as he plumped in another one.
Touma sighed once more. He was once a man of action, but years of watching over Index and fighting somewhat shady organizations had worn him down. The energy he had mustered earlier in this meeting had taken much time to gather, but his argument with Kirito and the subsequent punch to Kirino had instantly drained Touma of his reserves. He slumped in a seat next to Kyousuke and reached for a TimBit.
“Maybe, it just isn’t worth it anymore. Maybe, it would be okay if Godzilla killed everyone. Or maybe if we’re lucky, the Canadian weather combined with Canada’s Moose army will stop Godzilla once he gets to the prairies. Why should I have to worry about any of this anymore?,“ Touma thought.
His thoughts were interrupted by the radiant glow of Ayase and Kirino. The current between them had gotten so high, the heavy duty cable connecting their shields was glowing white. A second later, it snapped like a bulb filament.
The two continued to charge up and with nowhere to flow, their charges accumulated and accumulated brilliantly. Soon the electrostatic forces generated were strong enough to pull the two together in one magnificent embrace.